I recently wrote a piece about when to know it’s time to divorce. Check it out here if you haven’t already. This piece here highlights the mistake I made during my divorce—a mistake I believe many women are also making.
From the moment a woman contemplates divorce, through the process, and to the end, we are confronted with countless actions, tasks, steps, and decisions we must take to pull through. More importantly, we face the strong emotions and difficult roles we must navigate—especially when children are involved. Throughout these events, most of our actions and decisions are driven by emotions, which can have both positive and negative implications on the outcomes of this process. These emotional reactions can sometimes derail a divorce and lead to an unfavorable outcome.
For me, the greatest mistake I made was not going through with the divorce when I first intended to. This single act affected the entire process, making it more expensive and contentious when I eventually decided to proceed.
Divorce checklist
The Delayed Decision: My Biggest Regret
I know you’re eager to know how and why. Hear me out. I noticed cracks in my marriage early on. In hindsight, the red flags were there even before we married. Out of my naivety, I believed marriage would change things—that it would give me a platform to influence positive change, foster accountability, and strengthen our relationship. I was wrong.
Some might say the first mistake in a divorce is marrying the wrong person and expecting external factors—like marriage itself—to transform them. While this may be true, the actions we take in the months or days leading up to the divorce are equally important and can either undermine or optimize the process.
When the cracks in our marriage became unbearably toxic—damaging not only us but also our children—I knew our marriage was heading to doom. After several years of family interventions with someone who didn’t believe in therapy and insisted that prayer alone could solve all problems, I drew clear boundaries. I outlined expectations that, if unmet, would result in divorce.
Toxic relationship
Even though there were promises of change, they never materialized. The first time I told him I was moving forward with a divorce and requested a collaborative process, he promised me the world and used people I respected to convince me otherwise. I went ahead and filed. During our separation, however, he barely co-parented and pressured me to withdraw the case, involving family, friends, and religious figures to intervene. I listened and decided to give it another chance.
For a while, he seemed to improve, but within months, we returned to the same toxic patterns. I knew deep down that a man of his age was unlikely to change. Still, I held on to the hope that counseling and intervention could make a difference. This was wishful thinking. He didn’t change—he got worse.
Schemes and Betrayals: What I Didn’t See Coming
When I unexpectedly became pregnant, I knew I shouldn’t be having more children with him. Many women have shared that men intentionally get their partners pregnant during times of conflict to keep them in the relationship. I hear women do the same too.
I felt a deep connection to the child growing inside me. Despite my struggles, I couldn’t harm it in any way. Shortly after giving birth, overwhelmed by anxiety and exhaustion, I decided to move forward with the divorce. That’s when everything unraveled.
I realized he never intended to change. Instead, during the time I believed we were working to repair the marriage, he was scheming. He began hiding assets, buying properties under family members’ names, creating trusts and LLCs, and changing his next of kin on important documents. He reduced his financial contributions and left the care of our children entirely to me, to wear me out.
Worse still, he fled the country and filed for divorce in his home country, claiming it superseded the first proceedings. This dragged me into multiple court battles, creating immense emotional and financial strain.
Lessons From the Support Group
In a support group I joined, I discovered a common thread among women experiencing the most challenging divorces: they had given numerous chances for reconciliation during their marriages. Unfortunately, all they received in return were wasted years, betrayal, and venomous acts of revenge. Reconciliation often seemed to embolden their partners to scheme and manipulate the situation to their advantage. In my case, I came to realize that my decision to pause the divorce had given him time to put himself in a better position while leaving me worse off. This was my greatest mistake, and I’ve spent years trying to correct its consequences—or, in some cases, simply accepting them.
Many women face similar challenges when delaying divorce. They hope for change but often find themselves dealing with even greater betrayal and manipulation. This is why it’s essential to trust your instincts and act decisively. More so, delaying divorce might be akin to delaying healing. The costs – financial, emotional, and psychological – can accumulate over time.
If You Find Yourself at this Cross Road
If you’re in a relationship where boundaries are constantly breached and the reconciliation attempts feel hollow, question whether there is genuine intent to change. The more chances you give, the more likely you’ll end up worse off.
While there is no perfect way to navigate divorce, here’s what I’ve learned:
- Be Firm: Once you’ve decided to divorce, stay firm in your decision.
- Be Proactive, Seek Legal Advice: Consult a lawyer—most offer free consultations. Learn what the process entails in your state or area. Being well-informed and choosing the right legal support can transform a potentially challenging situation into an opportunity for a more positive future
- Gather Information: Collect documents and details about your financial situation.
- Don’t Rely on Your Partner: Avoid using your partner as a sounding board.
- File First, Explain Later: Inform your partner of your decision only after filing. Keep your explanation brief to avoid being guilt-tripped or manipulated.
Share Your Story
And if you’ve been through it, share your story. Let’s start a conversation. Let’s rewrite the endings for women everywhere.
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